Insecurity is a personal struggle that I am learning to come to terms with.
The word ‘insecurities’ reflects its very nature that it is an inward struggle; one that will have you “doing a madness”. Practically tricking yourself to believing that you are not worthy enough, good enough, strong enough, beautiful enough, funny enough, undeserving. Because if you were enough you wouldn’t be having the same conversation with your friend again for the umpteenth time. There wouldn’t be a conversation like that to be hard at all, because this time it would have been different. Maybe it would have actually matured into something. This time maybe you would have been given the courtesy to know that you weren’t going to make the cut. “I am no longer interested” would suffice, and that would have been the end of that. But no none of that, because to have that you would be given the inclination that it is not you but… we know how that sentence goes. However when a supernatural disappearance occurs then surely it is you, after all, you are the common denominator. And so here come insecurity poking its head out with a soft smile, a blanket and sometimes a sweet dreaded reminder, if only you had been softer, not had so many expectations, been ok with just being a friend, not been so forward, and just allowed things “to see where they would go”……..
How much do I share?
I write this not quite sure if I am going to share it. It really is as vulnerable as it gets. Even though many of you ladies may relate, I feel as though I am putting too much of my business out there and I had rather not. I am as open as I am private. I write about this because in the wake of modern-day dating there are so many blurred lines I personally find hard to navigate. Because for a girl (or woman I should say) who wears her heart on her sleeves is either full in or not at all. The games are not for me. They say to not hate the players hate the game, but that line doesn’t work for me. There would no game without the players so yeah, I blame the players. Note that this post is the wanderings of a girl who is learning and growing in all areas of her life. Thus far while her experiences have not been great, it has led her to uncover inner issues, she believed to had dealt with. Insecurities, however, arose again to remind her that she had a long way to go.
Dealing with Insecurities
So let us deal with those insecurities, shall we? The first thing to do in handling a problem is to admit that you do have one. Insecurities come from a place of not knowing or even if you do forgetting of yourself. Even the most confident person can and will be put into situations where they have to remind themselves that they are the best thing since sliced bread. Not because of anything that they have done but because the Mighty One who created the world said so. I am that girl; I am confident but every now and then I hand over power to others. Which then leads me to question this very notion with empty nuances.
Sight and focus
Why do I do that you may ask? When I lose sight of the most important thing in my life I start to look for validation in places I have no business visiting. Henceforth I begin to question everything that I do, never feeling settled in a decision. In this pool of anxiety, I hit the replay button and leave it on repeat chastising myself of all the things that I said wrong or just could have done better. Just writing this seems so overwhelming and now I’m wondering damn girl how is all of this going in your head while you have a picture with the biggest wildest smiles on your socials right now. Well, I’m showing you the highlight of those sliver moments of bliss happiness when I am reminded of God’s glorious love. Content within myself, no if, no buts, just a still calmness that whispers softly you are enough. I need more of those moments in my life. I know I can only have them if I pursue them with such vigilance that nothing can distract me from it.
Why I created this blog
I created this blog with the intent to inspire others around me. I intend to do this by sharing with you all the knowledge that I glean from those around me. Sharing with you all the things I learn along the way as I do this whole adulting life. And this is one of them, most people seem to have their insecurities and deal with them by the time they reach their twenties. Fortunately, or unfortunately, perspective depending, this is not my story. I am at a place where I no longer want to see the before and after. I also want to see the during, the process where we work on the kinks and bumps. The process may be arduous but the destination is amazing.
International Women’s Day
Happy International Day to all my beautiful ladies. This post is for you. For of us as we navigate the ins and out of adulthood and womanhood.